As Buddha pointed to in the First Noble Truth, and as I have experienced,
Life is inherently suffering.
As a result of awakening from my suffering in alcohol addiction, I have spent the past six years focusing on understanding the Second Noble Truth. There is a cause of suffering, and in the Third Nobel Truth, there is an end to suffering. Since awakening, I have come to understand that the cause of suffering is my mind’s desire for possession; suffering is caused by my desire to hold onto past experiences, people, and material things—my possessions—for certainty and security, which is in direct conflict with the ever-changing movement of Life, where “everything” is temporary—“nothing” is permanent. Ironically, my ego mind, that part of my evolved brain, my conscious content of what I know and hold onto—the “I-am” identity—is the source of all my mental desires for permanency and, thereby, my suffering.
It is perplexing that the ego mind is programmed by evolution to avoid suffering for survival. That means I am avoiding suffering, which is inherent in living and subtly translates to avoiding Life out of fear of survival. This begs the question, am I, by avoiding suffering to survive, living an unfulfilled life in fear? No wonder this created illusion, my self-ego identity—”I-am”—is the source of my constant confusion, conflict, and, sometimes, the chaos that creates all my fears and illusions of suffering, that utilitarian part of my mind, known as thinking.
Thinking as a tool is the evolved level of consciousness, the ego mind, which has collected and stored all the experiences of past human suffering to create a separate “I-am” for the security and survival of the mind-body identity. Unfortunately, this individual identity, my thinking, is limited by the content of my genetic, cultural, social, educational, religious, and political experiences, known as memory, “which acts as a guide, as a warning of self-protection against life, experience.”[1] Everything I have experienced is then applied—as thinking—to protect my mind-body, the I-am ego, by planning and manipulating my memories and physical possessions for certainty, security, and immortality. This desire for security creates fear and, thereby, psychological time by projecting more illusions, using my past to limit suffering in my imagined future experiences.
I have come to these realizations because of my search for understanding the cause of my suffering after forty-five years of alcohol addiction when I hit my bottom at the age of sixty years old. That is when I first experienced the Light of Awareness: the understanding that I am not my thinking. I don’t have to live in fear of losing my possessions or with the uncertainty of what I know—my identity—that causes my suffering. I have been trying to keep that light of understanding—present moment awareness—switched on ever since awakening from my addiction by observing my thinking that dissolves my cravings, my ego identity, and my desire for something different than what I am feeling—right now.
Total awareness of my thinking is the death of time
—the end of suffering—
in constant creation by the present moment.
My Life of Suffering has been transformed from living in fear with my desire for security and my illusions of holding onto what I know from the past to living with a passion, fully embracing the unknown to thoroughly understand the reality of what is happening now. The Game of Life is played with desire, either suffering mental anguish from illusions of possession in time or the passion of physically experiencing temporary feelings from the heartfelt understanding of reality—created by the present moment.
The end of suffering happens when I can stay aware that I am not my thinking. Staying aware dissolves all concepts, systems, disciplines, and reasoning that are only illusions to escape from experiencing my feelings, understanding “everything” that happens to me in Life is temporary. To truly live a fulfilling life is to live with passion—the effortless action of constantly flowing with the positive energy levels of consciousness: willingness, acceptance, love, joy, and peace, fully aware of the beauty of Life—created by every moment.
So, how I play the Game of Life depends on my desire, not suffering over temporary possessions for the illusion of security in the future but living with passion, giving my complete attention to fully embracing my feelings—created by the present moment. Being aware of my selfless connection with everyone and everything through Life-giving energy: the Love constantly flowing through me that powers the universe—my Higher Power.
VAB 01-10-24
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[1] The Collected Works of J. Krishanmurti: What is Right Action, 1934-35, Vol.2, 2012 Krishnamurti Foundation America, Ojai, CA, pg.186.
