My heart hurts today. I have teared up several times writing this share today, but I am thankful because six years ago—last Monday—when I checked into CeDAR, only my head hurt because I had lost all connection with feeling in my heart.
Image above: BLESSED by Mackenzie Thorpe
I was so trapped in my addictive thinking that I had lost touch with everything outside of my isolated (ego) mind—my heart, my friends, my family; hell, and I had lost touch with my sensory perceptions—I could barely feel my own body anymore, which I now know, means I had lost touch with reality, that only exists in the present moment—because our bodies are always in the present moment; that’s why we use our breath awareness to reconnect with reality—to feel the energy flowing through our bodies in the present moment—for meditation to happen.
When I checked into CeDAR, not right away, but in those first few days of sobriety, I reached my bottom. And, a miracle happened: my thinking stopped, my ego mind—who I think I am–was exhausted, and I (my ego) had nothing: no excuses, no brilliant ideas, no remedies like changing my routine, trying more self-discipline, nothing short of jumping off a bridge—to end my suffering. The miracle was that when I hit bottom, I didn’t jump off a bridge; all I had to do was surrender my thinking ego, surrender my past, and open my heart to heal my wounds and feel the reality of life happening in the present moment.
Little did I know it, I had my first glimpse of awareness: for the first time in my sixty-year life, I became aware of my thinking, that I am not the thinker—not the ego that my environment has created—but I am the observer of the ego, the observer of that thinking part of my mind. Little did I know I had found my Higher Power—awareness of my thinking—which allowed me to understand and dissolve my cravings for alcohol, which I used for forty-five years to escape my thinking and feeling any painful emotions from the past or recently triggered.
When I became aware of my thinking, my Higher Power, I slowly started allowing myself to feel, not escape but to feel my emotions arising in the present moment, so I could fully understand, without judgment, the root cause of my suffering. And through non-judgmental acceptance of my feelings, I could dissolve my cravings and, with compassionate understanding, peel away all the layers of hurt, pain, loss, and suffering that were covering up my heart so I could feel again so I could love myself again, which allowed me to love all of you, and keep me connected to this community for the past six years.
My heart hurts, and I have cried because our community leader, Meghan, is leaving her role as Alumni Coordinator… I stopped crying when I remembered to observe my thinking to peel away my superficial thoughts from the past of painful loss and uncover the truth in the present moment. When everything we have been taught, experienced, or believed will save us is stripped away, all that remains is the love flowing from within us.
So, now I am joyful in understanding that the only thing Meghan is leaving is energy: the love she found within herself to heroically and unselfishly build this community with us; she is following her heart and growing her abilities to share with others; how to open their hearts and love themselves again, as she has done so gracefully in our community, over the past six years here at CeDAR.
Finally, I will open the meeting with a topic: Everything is challenging in early sobriety; learning to love ourselves again can be hard. Over the years, we have used mantras like Go to the love, Look for the love in your life, or Stick with the love. My favorite: Until you love yourself, you can’t truly love anyone else.
The point is that until you can find self-love within, you need to surround yourself with love to help you get there, which is what this community is built on—unconditional Love. So, the topic is: How are you learning to love yourself again, and if you are having trouble with that, where are you finding loving support, not possessive love, not love for gain, but genuine selfless, loving support—like the love Meghan has given us?
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