I feel physically connected with the universe by the constant energy flowing through me, but as it turns out, I think of my “self” as being separate—psychologically isolated from the rest of creation—because of my addiction to thinking.
Addiction to thinking is my inability to break free from the illusion of psychological time that separates me from being completely connected with what is happening in the eternal present moment. Since hitting the psychological bottom of my alcohol addiction, I have become aware of my thinking. I have reached a level of awareness that allows me to observe the movement of my conscious content; that’s what thought is: the psychological analysis of everything I have mentally accumulated through self-consciousness—my evolved human ability to remember my past and project it into the future.
Addiction to thinking is mental imprisonment brought on by the constant self-analysis of my collected memories, knowledge, and experiences—what I know—is stored and molded into my identity, created from my past.
My past limits the world of my ego identity by restricting my actions in response to life’s constant changes of creation happening now. These incomplete, restricted actions—reactions—are then mentally stored as scars upon scars in my mind that compound my distorted self-image, which is the illusion of an incomplete, lonely separate me that I project in the world. This self-imagined “I am” that I project as me is the constant analysis of my accumulated past based on fear, not of the unknown, but the potential loss of the known, the fear of physical loss due to injury of my bodily sensations, fear of the emotional loss of my personal attachments and material possessions, and, the ultimate fear, the psychological loss of my identity—the existence of I am Vic—beyond death. The thinker—I am Vic—projects its scarred self-image of unfinished memories into the future as a separate ego, full of anxiety that lives in conflict from the constant fear of loss, suffering, and death rather than being the complete presence of a unified body, heart, and mind, acting with harmonious awareness to experience life happening now.
The truth is that reality—real-time—the physical history of biological and geological evolution, the constant flow of life-changing energy, creates the present moment.
My thought process is the continuous distraction of psychological time, the illusion of division between the experiencer’s image and the natural experience. Rather than understanding the reality that there is no separation, there is only the experience of perception—feeling sensations and emotions—of the changing energy flow in the present moment. My attention is divided between thinking (the past) and understanding (the present moment), which creates the conflict that my ego, Vic, is separate from what is happening by the duality of time in my mind. This individual ego—scarred by my past—is my thinking that I am incomplete and conflicted by fear of loss—which I use to interpret my present emotions and create the illusion of controlling what is happening now to avoid suffering and, ultimately, death in the future. This illusion of time is created by thinking that my self-image can control my fate, the illusion that my ego—what I know from my past—can dictate life energy happening now to control the future and prevent death.
I will exist in this illusion of my addiction to thinking—not truly living but reacting to life—until I reach my bottom in a crisis of lost identity that brings awareness to the urgency of every present moment.
When I reach that crisis point of present-moment urgency, my thinking stops—psychological time stops. The constant chatter of my accumulated past, trying to fulfill my desires and avoid suffering, addiction stops. “I am” separate disappears when my thinking stops, meditation happens, and I become whole, no longer separate from the flowing energy of creation happening now. Only then does creative intelligence arise from the harmony between my mental intellect and emotionally open heart. This emotional intelligence dissolves the limitations of my past mental scars and uncovers my innocence—my heartfelt understanding—the truth that life is constantly changing. This discernment of the truth, when I am disappears, yields complete spontaneous action without the self-will of the ego—without effort based on the past.
No longer is the struggle of addiction required; no effort of self-discipline, method, or system can end my illusion of time—only active meditation can create the silent awareness of an unburdened mind. Silent awareness—active meditation—is freedom from addiction to thinking.
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