I came to CeDAR because I was desperate: my life situation was in crisis from my suffering in addiction. I came to CeDAR to learn how to stay sober—to end my suffering. Learning to stay sober while figuring out how to live without using was frightening, but I survived. I was encouraged by the new tools I learned and excited about applying them outside, but I was anxious and still feeling desperate—afraid of relapsing. So, the truth was that I was suffering from addiction when I got to CeDAR, but since before leaving, I feel like I’ve been suffering in sobriety, and at times, it almost seems worse.
I’m talking about suffering in sobriety because we have all been there, and some of us are still.
Since leaving CeDAR, I have found suffering in both—addiction and sobriety. When I finally became aware and accepted my suffering in addiction, I got help to end that suffering. So, why do I still feel like I’m suffering in sobriety? Why is it so hard to stay sober when I’m staying sober? My first reaction is to blame my addiction, and we all fall into that trap of the addiction cycle. The vicious duality between blaming my suffering on addiction and when I got sober, I blamed my suffering on the pain of staying sober, which kept my addiction alive, opening the door to relapse.
What I have come to realize, and maybe it will resonate for you: after I got sober and struggled to maintain my sobriety long enough to quiet my conflicted thinking and stay aware of the addiction cycle, I realized I was still suffering in sobriety, but not because of my addiction—I have stopped using, I am staying sober. So, why am I still suffering in sobriety? The truth is there is still something in my life—beyond my drug of choice—causing my suffering!
The truth is there is plenty of stuff that happened in my past—besides addiction—that I still identify with or things in my life now that continue to recreate the pain in my past, the pain that I hold onto that identifies me—my ego that is afraid of disappearing if I were to let go of my past.
This begs the question, is my suffering due to my unhealed past, the pain that is distorting my self-image now? To be clear, my self-image is built from the memories, knowledge, and experiences I have accumulated as a member of my family, my culture, society, school, religion, and politics, everything that has shaped the way I see myself and the way I see the world; and, the world is truly a reflection of how I see myself. I used alcohol to block my pain, to block those thoughts of suffering from my past, and to deny my fear of experiencing that pain in the future, but mostly, I used my addiction to escape from facing that pain of suffering in the present moment.
Unfortunately, I didn’t realize I was applying these new sobriety tools to change my thinking, and it turns out that trying to change my thinking is like trying to change my past—it’s impossible. The truth is I can’t change the past, but I can heal the past—in the present moment. That was a revelation for me; I learned that I could calm the turbulent waters of my thinking by staying aware of my thinking with meditation. By being aware, observing, and calming my thinking with meditation, I could go below the surface, let go of my thinking, and do a deep dive to embrace my feelings, the source of the pain that causes my suffering, to heal and open my heart again—whether I’m in addiction or staying sober.
My brutal truth is that the only way to end suffering in addiction or suffering in sobriety is to do a deep dive into my suffering when I am experiencing that raw pain, to go below the surface of self-judgment when I’m hurting.
To dive deep within—below the painful memories—to reveal the source of my pain and uncover my true innocence. I can only do an honest deep dive to face the source of my pain when sober. And like fresh air on an open cut, the bright light of sober awareness reveals my suffering for understanding and healing my mental wounds. Awareness reveals the end of thinking; understanding is the healing that can end suffering in sobriety.
VAB 18-Aug-23
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