For me, hitting bottom in addiction happened when the isolation of living in the psychological prison I had created over time—from the reflection of my family, cultural, and social environments that formed my ego identity—became so mentally exhausting, living as the person defined by the world to be me, I could no longer carry the burden of suffering with only the powerless illusion of thinking (time) to set my spirit free. Little did I know that the truth of my suffering was trying to wake up my true Self-spirit to stay aware of my thinking as the source of my suffering.
The truth of suffering appeared at that moment when my thinking mind was overwhelmed by the realization that all the knowledge, experiences, and memories it had collected in my lifetime did not hold the answer to end the repetitive torment of addiction that was my adopted ego—the worldly identity my spirit was living. When I hit bottom, my mind was exhausted to the point of being drained, letting go of all the ideals, beliefs, processes, and willpower it had retained to avoid my painful past and stop the suffering. At that moment, my thinking stopped, my mind became silent, and my spiritual Higher Power suddenly arose as the shining light of awareness onto my suffering to expose the truth: that my thinking, my ego identity in the world, and my addictions are illusions in time that don’t exist in the present moment—if my spirit awakens to stay aware.
Staying aware meant growing the ability to remain sober one day at a time, to be mindfully and physically in the present moment, to non-judgmentally observe my thoughts as temporary clouds that arise and pass by without becoming attached to them—not to identify with them, not allowing them to define and manipulate my spiritual energy of existence. The longer I stayed sober, the more mindful I became and less judgmental, not relinquishing ownership of those clouds of thoughts but embracing those past energetic images and feelings with the positive spiritual energy of the present moment to better understand their distorted energetic nature—now; to heal and lessen their temporary impact whenever they pass across the permanent blue sky that is my true Self-awareness, my spirit that has always existed and never changes.
In those early days of sober awareness, my ability to maintain mindful focus was constantly challenged by the forty-five years of addictive thinking I had perfected to avoid the truth of everything I was feeling in the present moment. All my mind wanted was to escape from the painful feelings arising from the past in the present moment by drinking my way into the temporary illusion of fixing the past or dreaming about a better past in the future. Maintaining my sobriety was a continual battle of trying to quiet my thinking mind to remember that my temporary thoughts and emotions from the past don’t define me now. If my spirit is awakened and aware and embraces them with positive energy in the present moment to mindfully understand the source and relieve the pain with unconditional love, their effect is weakened now and whenever they arise again.
Fortunately, before I had developed the strength to maintain the mindfulness to recognize, embrace, and relieve my suffering on my own, I found a community of like-minded individuals who, together, based on unconditional love, had formed a sangha practicing mindfulness, compassion, and insight that continues to provide support that helps my spirit stay awake and aware today, as I learn to love my worldly self again.
CeDAR, I love you guys!
VAB 06-12-24
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